SNL Weekend Update Nov 12, 2011 (QUOTES)

This Saturday’s WEEKEND UPDATE was especially hilarious. If you missed it, you can check out a clip here:

But here are some Facebook status-worthy quotes to impress your friends with this week.

SETH MEYERS – “It was reported this week that Germany and France have begun talks to break up the Eurozone amid fears that there is not enough money to bail out Italy. In fact, many believe the only solution is to change the country’s name to Tyler Perry Presents Italy.”

MEYERS – “After a week of multiple allegations of sexual harassment, Herman Cain faced new criticism from the Republican Debate Wednesday after he referred to Nancy Pelosi as “Princess Nancy”. Which sounds offensive, but was probably just a reference to her new hairstyle.”

MEYERS – “During Wednesday’s Republican Presidential debate Governor Rick Perry made an embarrassing mistake when he vowed to close three government agencies if elected president, but could only remember the names of two of them. However my sense of irony appreciates that he remembered the Department of Education.”

MEYERS – “Trustees at Penn State on Wednesday removed Joe Paterno, effective immediately, as head coach of the football team. Though he was allowed to keep his part-time job as Penn State’s library gargoyle.”

MEYERS – “Researchers say that a new drug tested on monkeys has helped them lose weight with no dieting or exercise. It’s the easiest way to make the lean, sexy monkeys we’ve all been clamoring for.”

MEYERS – “A man in Florida was arrested after he assaulted his wife while they were engaged in a threesome with another woman. Upon hearing this, the genie took away his other two wishes.”

MEYERS – “Burger King unveiled a new kids meal box this week that children can also wear as a crown. So now your kids can pretend that they’re the king of diabetes.”

MEYERS – “On Tuesday, the first ever simultaneous nationwide test of the Emergency Alert System was conducted on radio, TV and cable. But frankly, unless they text it, we’re all gonna die.”

MEYERS – “A man in Colorado was arrested this week for allegedly threatening to shoot employees of a local Best Buy after he learned that they had sold out of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3.” Police were able to catch the man while he was toggling through his weapons.”

MEYERS – “A zoo in Canada is planning to separate two male penguins who have been displaying signs of having a same-sex relationship. Zookeepers plan to break up the couple by introducing them to Roderick.”

MEYERS – “A new study suggests that people with high blood pressure suffer from “emotional dampening,” and have trouble recognizing emotions in others. They’re called dads. ‘Look, maybe if you tell me why you’re cryin’, I can help you out…’”

MEYERS – “Michelle Duggar and her husband announced this week that they are expecting their 20th child. So now more people have been inside her than any showing of The Rum Diary. Meanwhile, the hospital can’t believe anyone actually filled up that punch card.”

Heather is a recent West Coast transplant and can't remember what humidity feels like. She spends most of her time (& money) watching movies, marathoning TV shows on DVD, attending concerts, reading, eating vegetables, attending conventions (San Diego Comic-Con, New York Comic Con, Dragon*Con so far!), blogging about her quarter-life crisis, downing coffee and traveling the world. She likes comic books, photography, reading on the Metro bus and wearing cold weather clothes despite the actual temperature in Southern California.

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