Quotes from this Saturday’s Weekend Upodate.
SETH MEYERS – “Mitt Romney on Tuesday finished just 8 votes ahead of Rick Santorum and narrowly won the Iowa caucus. Romney was so happy he decided to activate smile sequence alpha.”
MEYERS – “Officials with the Iowa Republican Party are investigating a report that 20 votes on Tuesday were mistakenly recorded for Mitt Romney, which would mean that Rick Santorum actually won the caucus. And you know what THAT means. Nothing.”
MEYERS – “While campaigning in Iowa, Rick Santorum received a lot of attention for the sleeveless, V-neck sweater vests he always wears. Wow! He’s so anti-gay he even refuses to dress well.”
MEYERS – “Police arrested a North Carolina man after he allegedly tried to buy a vacuum cleaner and microwave at a Walmart with a fake 1 million dollar bill. Said a Walmart cashier, ‘everybody knows there’s nothing higher than a 10 dollar bill.’”
MEYERS – “In an effort to deal with the growing number of obese Americans, dude ranches in the Northern Rockies are adding heavyweight horses and extra large saddles for overweight customers. And if gets any worse, they’re just going to have the horses ride the customers.”
MEYERS – “In honor of their 100th anniversary this year, the Girl Scouts have introduced a new cookie called Savanna Smiles. And in return the Adult Film Industry introduced a new porn star called Oatmeal Raisin.”
MEYERS – “Skee Ball, Inc., the makers of Skee Ball machines, is suing a Brooklyn bar for trademark infringement for billing itself as the “National Home of Brew-Skee Ball.” They intend to sue for either 10, 20 or 50 million dollars.”
MEYERS – “A woman in Canada, who was shot in the eye during a New Year’s Eve party, refused medical attention until she finished her beer. She’s what’s known in Canada as ‘a keeper.’”
MEYERS – “In response to a lawsuit filed by a man who claims he found a mouse in his Mountain Dew, PepsiCo is asking the suit be dismissed because they say the mouse would have dissolved in the soda before he had a chance to drink it. Because…they usually do…?”
MEYERS – “Ohio police arrested a man who allegedly stabbed another man because he did not know that Beyonce was married to Jay-Z. But other than that it was a pretty fun trivia night.
MEYERS – “The Olympic swordsman who performed Darth Vader’s fight scenes in Star Wars died this week at the age of 89 after a long battle with his son.”
MEYERS – “A new reality show is being developed called “Pregnant Mothers, Pregnant Daughters.” Which is a little catchier than the original title, ‘Florida.’”